The Rabbit Hole

There's many days now that I really have nothing to do but think and although I could think everyday if I pleased, I don't. I like to just let life go by once in a while and just ignore the world outside. Then one day I'll start thinking and realize that I really should be doing something and then try to find something to do and well, that just doesn't work either.

Tonight I started thinking about friends and, well, friends mainly. I have a lot of good ones, a few really good ones and I think a couple that are just so awesome I can't even put to words how much they mean to me. Then, well then I start to think. Thinking, I have found out, isn't all that good for me. My brain doesn't like to keep tabs on where it's going or where it's been and half the time I start thinking I'll stop a couple hours later and try to figure out how the hell I got there. Like, last night, started thinking about some kind of food that Mom used to make for dinner a lot and when I stopped thinking I found I had gone from food to a friend that isn't a friend anymore that some days I wish still was a friend and still other days that I wish I had never met them. I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that when they start thinking they go off on rants and don't ever know how they end up where they end up from where they had started from. Crazy. I don't like to think too much about too much stuff. I love to learn, love to read and write and watch television and watch movies. I like to learn how people think and things like that, but get me thinking about anything that's happened personally to me and, no, I'd rather not. Most of the time if something comes up I start thinking about something else, someone else, anything else. Just because I'd rather not be reminded of how boring and unlife like my life has become.

Sure, I know people, I go places. I'm not a complete hermit and even if I wanted to be a hermit I couldn't be one on account that I'm living with my parents. And here, here is where I get confused. I'm living with my parents. It's not that I'm STILL living with them, there was a time I didn't think of myself as living with my parents. Most of the year I was on campus, most of the year my stuff stayed on campus even if for a few weeks I wasn't there with it. That was my home, I liked it there. I got to do what I wanted and not be bugged by the "parents" and annoyed by anything they did that I just didn't understand or get or like at all. Now, well now that I've graduated I'm back, well, living with the parents. Right now, I'd rather be living in a scarcely furnished apartment which could be one room, living off cans of ravioli or something just because then I'd be able to be myself.

I've found, now that I'm living with my parents and can't just go back to campus and be me again that my 4 and a half years of not living here changed me. Don't get me wrong, I love me... most of the time and the rest of the time I merely like me. But I never hate me, and I certainly never regret changing, that's what you do when you live your life, you become you. Which is cool and all, but, well here's where the trouble is. My parents don't know me anymore because I've changed. Though I'm sure they would be glad to know me, and they do, sometimes, they'll never get me. They never really got me before but there's so many things I can't do here that are a part of me. I can't do them here because of things my parents believe or the way they live or the things they can't stand or... well a million other things that I just can't put words to. But, I'm sure everyone feels that way. Parents, they're totally awesome when your little, get to be an annoyance in your teenage years and then they start to be a different part of you and you become a different person when they're around, a different person when you're not near them. I need this distance back. Here's the problem. To get that I need to move, move out of the house, out of the state, just move. But... well, to move I need money, to get money I need a job, to get a job I need a car which is actually my mother's. Fine, whatever. But the job market is so bad around here that I've been looking for something anywhere.

Anyway. Back to rambling about nothing. I started recently thinking back on stuff. And sometimes what comes to mind is a Doctor Who episode called Turn Left. I'll find myself thinking what would have happened if I had just turned right? Or! Well, turning, figurative, what would have happened if I had actually planned to go to college since I was a junior. Applied to more colleges then one? I know, wondering won't help. Whatever. Life, it's a bunch of twists and turns and yes and nos and maybe and change of plans and dropping plans that so much stuff is lost to anyone.

Either way. At the moment, this very moment in time where I am right now. Well I don't feel like I belong here. Not forever, not then, right now I don't belong here. I feel like I'd be happier in a bigger place, where there's more people and you can get up in the morning and decide to walk down to main street and there will actually be things to do and new people to see, places to hang out and places to just look through the window. I need a place that I can feel more in the world rather than just an outsider. This place feels too out on the outskirts and I want to feel more like I'm in the center, in the middle.

I don't know. I just don't feel right here. My days are too bland, my plans too dull and my life too flat line.

So, I was up late a few nights ago (later...) and decided to start watching something, picked due South. I have been reminded of it's greatness and wonder why I stopped watching it.
I am slowly going through the seasons again, right now I'm still on season one. But, hey, season one is what got me into it. Oh, wait, that's a lie. Fan fiction is what got me into it, season one is what got me into writing fan fiction.

I was reminded once again that due South is such an awesome show, it gives us fan fic writers plenty to play with and is easy to write with. The characters are just so very out there that they can be put into so few words and be easily recognized. I may have to get back into writing it again. I miss writing fan fiction I really do.

Who knows, maybe due South will bring that spark back. Man, I hope so. I also did not realize how much I missed Benton Fraser and Ray (I really miss K, but V was equally as awesome) and their antics. I also missed Hewie and Lewie, for different, every different reasons (/grumbles something about the idiocy/).

I just wanted to inform you all of what I'm doing in the... week I have until my Summer classes start. I also may have to go searching for my due South fic, maybe even mine. Maybe they'll help spark.

MMMM due South is just so awesome.

/iz very happy/

So, I may or may not be able to graduate this fall instead of next spring.
I could, technically, graduate in the fall. If, of course, I can get the credits. I need 21 credits after this semester. Which means I can take six credits in the summer and 15 in the fall and be done. I have found the classes for the fall, I've signed up for them so that's all set. The only thing that isn't all set is the summer classes. The only reason these are not set is that we have to figure out the money situation before we decide.
I'd be taking a class from this college, online course for half the summer. So, I wouldn't have to be living on campus to take it, which means I wouldn't have to pay for the room and board. Then I found 2 classes at the community college I can take that will give me the 9 credits and that place is like right down the street from home, so that would be nice.
It also excites me that I may be able to graduate in the fall. This excites me because I'd be able to not be here anymore. That's a plus. On the down side the "real" world would put it's heel on me and never let go. Which I'm not entirely opposed to, it's just the idea of it is making me all nervous. So, nervous and extremely excited. Will be more so if I find out I can actually do what I'm planning on doing. /crosses fingers/
I could also, potentially, move to a town Em and I are gonna get an apartment at a semester before she'd be there. Family there so I could potentially stay with them until money comes in from the job I'll hopefully have. That way it would be easier to find an apartment because I'd be there and could look at them. And she could easily come up and visit until she graduates. I find this incredibly exciting. Like, more exciting then scary. Totally would make my years of sitting here in college while I slowly let the administration drain me of any money I had or will have in the future. It would make it worth it. Completely worth it.
So, I potentially have what I'll be doing for the summer and fall all planned out. If this falls through I will be sad and depressed but hey, that's life. It likes to throw curve balls in your path and make you do something else. /shrugs/
I did e-mail my adviser and asked about how I could graduate in the fall, which he told me and then said "but think of all you'll miss if you leave early". I can just hear the sadness in the sentence. Poor adviser. But, at the end of this semester I'll have been here 4 years, so I think I've done the whole thing. LOL.
Now, on to staying up all night and finishing the homework I neglected to do while I figured out my future credits. /sighs/
/is excited/

The time has finally come, it's the last week of classes for the fall semester. Excited? Freaked? Probably a bit of both. I am so excited because I'll have a month off. A month to not worry about homework or classes. A month to read that pile of books I've been meaning to read...

(I'm also excited because there is finally snow on the ground! Watch the winter spirit appear!)

I'm a bit freaked because this morning I had a science lab and a portfolio to get done. Now it's only the portfolio. Which I actually am happy about, but I have to fix my stories I wrote before writing a five-page process analysis for the portfolio. This is the part I dislike. It's due Wednesday, though he did say we could hand it in on Monday. I'm hoping I can get it done so that I don't have to worry about it, but who knows.

And then next week is finals, which, as it turns out, I only have two real finals. One in Astronomy and one in Bible as Lit. But, I also have a "not-really-final" final that's just really another class. Then, hopefully, Tuesday night I'll be heading to home sweet home to annoy my cat by sleeping in my bed that he thinks is all his.

But, for now, my back is starting to hurt from reading too much while in an uncomfortable chair and my head is telling me it's 1am and I have class in 12 and a half hours. I should probably get some sleep.

Fingers crossed that I can get this done by Wednesday (and that the suite mates will be quiet so I can sleep).

I find myself thinking tonight, more then any night before, about secrets. (It has nothing to do with what I'm listening to.)

Secrets work when kept. Also, Secret Keepers work only if you can truly, completely trust them. If you even have just a little doubt, do not tell them anything. Not one word at all.

I am now, officially, a secret keeper. I know from past experiences, and past secrets I still hold dear, that this will not be a problem for me, at all. I swear, you can get me close to passed out drunk and still won't get a word out of me. Not one.

Love is a weird creature, it likes to pull you in, drag you in kicking and screaming and you'll find yourself at a point when you don't struggle anymore. You do not fight to have your own way because that's how love is.
Love also likes to trick you, it likes to trick you into believing that it's all okay, that everything that is happening, it's okay. It likes those tricks of light and dark, it sometimes drags you in to just play with you. It likes to show you what you don't want. It hopes that you will understand it, but it's so hard to understand a creature like love.

Trust, it's a fact of life that those people close to you, you should trust, you should trust them with everything you have, absolutely everything. There's so few people in the world now that you can truly trust like that. And maybe that's okay, maybe it's okay for you to just have one person that you can trust with your secrets, that you can trust with everything you are and everything you will be just that one person.
Some people, they're so trusting they trust the wrong people. They learn, they start to learn that the only way to survive is to trust no one. I feel for those of you who feel that way. The way that someone has hurt you so much that you can't trust anyone anymore. It's so nice to trust one person with everything you are, it's so hard for us mere humans to go it alone. That's what trust is for. That's what we have that one or few friends we can trust so we don't have to go it alone.
For those of you that trust no one, that feel as if it's too hard, it hurts to much from before. Try to become someone new, find that someone, but don't pick someone, watch them, watch all your friends, pick that one that you can trust with everything. Think, if you told that person your deepest darkest secret, would they have someone else to go to, or are you it? Do they trust you the same way that you trust them? You can't have trust without that. It's like love, a love that goes one way isn't love at all. You need trust to go back and forth, you must trust this person and this person must trust you.

Without these small things, without love that may be wrong, without secrets that may be told to the wrong person, without trust, you cannot learn. A perfect life from start to finish is not possible. But if you learn from yourself, listen to yourself and become what it is that you feel is what you need to be, that's what life is all about.
A life without mistakes? How can one be? Mistakes is how humans learn, it's how we know that your friends will truly stick by your side, it's how we know the people we love will be there, it's how we know that this path we're on, this path we choose is right.

Remember, Love, Trust, Life, it's not easy. It's not easy for anyone. You are not alone.

and the plans for those two weeks have just gone down the drain.
Stupid drain.

( Watch me rant. )

Short version. All my plans of things working out. Of me doing things I want to do, smashed in the course of a day. Seriously. This all went down TODAY.

Oh, one other thing. It's been way too hot to lift heavy things and pack. Therefore, no packing is done as of today.

it's the friends that finished the job.




Here is my card for kink bingo.

I'll get something up at some point. I've already picked out my boxes. Yay!

I'll be messing with my profile later... like in the next few days.

But, this is my "hello, my name is..." post. Or, at least my "hello" post.

HI!